You know when you get that lead weight, which slowly creeps up on you, starting in your stomach and then eventually taking over your whole body and every waking moment with its heavy burden.
Well, I just had that weight.
My brother’s best friend recently died. I knew this friend. I also knew this friend’s sister, who I saw last weekend. I felt like I could be a light on her path and could offer a welcome pair of ears for her to speak honestly and freely about everything that had happened.
This is when the lead weight started to grow. I had managed to convince myself that by my having this conversation I was being completely and utterly selfless in offering my best skill: listening. This was very convincing, but undoubtedly a bullshit story.
This is why that lead weight began to grow.
There was a lack of congruency between me having this conversation and what I truly desired and what was best for everyone involved.
It took the sound advice of my best friend to make me realise that I was the one, who actually wanted (and needed!) to have this conversation. I was the one being selfish and to the detriment of those I loved and wanted to serve.
The lead weight continued to grow but slowed down a gear.
In all honesty, I was still fucking confused about everything. I was and am confused, as to why people that have done no wrong get taken from us. I am angry that these people leave others behind. I am frustrated that I have no control. I am worried that I might lose other people. I am shit scared. That’s the truth. We all are, just in our own little bubbles and at different times.
I was seeking out someone to join my bubble, to hop right in and to share my shit with, that I allowed out only on small occasions, like the time when I burst out laughing and crying in a pub in London with my brother. Or the time when I was lying in bed at school and put on this song and cried my eyes out, whilst my roommate slept soundly nearby. Or every time I walk up the path where I first read the eulogy my brother wrote for this person. This path was, and still is, a small light in every day, come rain or shine.
There are lots of these moments. They pop up every once in a while when you least expect them and they are an excuse to feel truly feel.
The fact is, that I held onto this death because it let me really feel. It cut through the superficial monotonous shit that filled up the gaps. It made me really connect with what matters. I used to hold onto this death, but now I let it show its face when it so wishes and I no longer seek out the past.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to really feel.
We all have that opportunity, it’s just that we either wait for a wake-up call or we wake up ourselves.
“Who looks out, dreams; who looks in, awakes.” — Carl Jung
So, learn from my wonderful shit before you get your wake up call that will inevitably come. Especially if you don’t take the time to step out of your bubble and leave that lead weight way, way back on your path.
Just writing this has put that weight further away for me and I hope has shone a small light on your path so that you too can wake up.
It really is a beautiful thing, to be able to truly feel.
All know of it, few experience it and fewer live it.
Live it. Now. There’s no point lulling back in the ebb and flow of this bullshit tide we call everyday life.
I don’t want every day to be the same, I want some fucking variety, some true emotions and some outstanding experiences, relationships and laughs to look back on. Don’t we all?
“Your days are your life in miniature” — Robin Sharma
No more lead weights to carry around, no more monotony and no more selfishness.
I ended up having the conversation I wanted to have, but with myself. Your reading that conversation… so welcome to my bubble! It’s a weird and wonderful place and I hope you enjoyed your stay at the “pour your heart out onto some social media for writer’s hotel”.
If you enjoyed life inside this bubble, you can pop in anytime you like.
Otherwise, laugh (mostly at yourself), keep feeling and have those conversations with yourself — they are enlightening.